Part I - The Past

I have a journal entry from my senior year of high school from the day I decided what I wanted to be when I grew up.

October 31, 2005 - I had to write because I think that I finally know what I want to do with my life. I want to be a Drama teacher. It’s weird because I’ve always thought about something science related - and I still love science - but I was always afraid (terrified) that I would morbidly hate my job at times, so I was always doubting my decision to do something science-y. We had college day on Friday and I left with an idea. If I were to become a Drama teacher - I could do something I ABSOLUTELY love - for a job. I could help other people come to appreciate and love it (theatre) as well - which would make me so happy. And for once - I’m not doubting my decision. I’m starting to think more about it and the more I consider it, the more I LOVE the idea. Sure, there will be times I might dislike, even hate, my job, but I’m willing to face those days because that’s how passionate I am about this stuff! I’m looking forward to Sterling Scholar and maybe Senior Project to try my hand at directingI’m just gushing with excitement to finally have direction and know what I want to be and what I have to do to get there is the best feeling, well - most satisfying feeling.I’ve always doubted this saying, but do what you are passionate about and happiness will follow.

You can tell that I was riding high off of one very good day and I felt, like most high school seniors, unstoppable. I was going to be a teacher. I was going to spend my school years entrenched in musicals and Shakespeare, and I was going to change the lives of my students through art. Theatre had saved me in a lot of ways and I felt indebted both to the art form itself and to the teachers who were so patient with me, that I had to pay it forward to future generations. So I rushed after this goal with all the fervor my 17 year-old heart could muster: I applied for theatre scholarships, I emailed arts department secretaries to understand how to be the best theatre student ever, I took really expensive voice lessons, and I worshipped at the shrine of all of my acting teachers and TAs freshmen year.

I loved my acting classes. When the rest of college was so overwhelming and confusing, walking into the marbled atrium of the fine arts building felt like home. So when I was asked to choose very early in my college career which path to proceed down – Acting or Theatre Education - the choice was paralyzing. I had realized that first semester that I wanted to be the star before I was the teacher. I was afraid that if I chose Theatre Education that I would be the walking, talking embodiment of “If you cannot do, teach.*” But after spending 2 years of precious time and money trying to “do,” I gave up and walked my broken heart to something else that could be my career. I didn’t have it in me to do or to teach and I put theatre out of my mind for nearly five years.

Stay tuned for Part II next week.

*I have since had the honor of watching some of my college classmates – those who boldly and bravely pursued Theatre Education – turn into some of the best, most inspiring teachers. They have students who have gone on to receive national recognition at the Jimmy Awards, students who worship them and love them, and they’ve still gotten to participate in theatre as actors. I was foolish to think that I was giving up one thing for the other, when theatre blessedly allows for both.