Part II - The Present

- June 03, 2019

*Read Part I here*

In late 2012 a Facebook friend “liked” a post about auditions at a local theatre for “My Fair Lady.” For some reason, I was obsessed with the idea of trying out for this show. Am I a soprano? No! Is there any logical role in this musical for me? No! But the idea consumed me and I mulled it over for weeks. In the end, I got scared and didn’t try out. So I did the next best thing instead: I set a goal to get onstage within the year and I got a voice teacher.

Working with a voice teacher as an adult was humbling and incredibly educational. For once, I practiced daily. I learned a lot about my voice and focused all of my energy towards becoming really good at auditioning.

And now I’m amazing and I ALWAYS GET CAST ALL THE TIME.

Just kidding.

Auditioning is still really hard for me and I think it always will be. I’m incredibly introverted, insecure and intimidated in any and all audition situations, but a big part of this journey has been less about improving my abilities and more about not getting in my own way and in my own head no matter the outcome.

I have always found it interesting that actors and artists are simultaneously expected to be vulnerable and have a thick skin.

In college I heard some of the weirdest critiques on my abilities, my voice, my body, and my mannerisms, but it rolled right off my back – it seemed natural that I wouldn’t be good yet. I was young and that’s why I was in school. But now, with even the slightest hint that I might not have performed as well as I’d hoped, I collapse. It’s exhausting and terrifying to feel less confident than a teenager.

I’ve been lucky to be able to get back on stage in a community theatre setting and I enjoy it so much. But I found myself missing it when I wasn’t able to participate, so I started a blog. I thought that writing would soothe the aches that missed chances created and it did for a while, but then it seemed to have the opposite effect. Writing about something that I love so much and reviewing shows I wish I could’ve been in sent me for a weekly soak in bittersweet and I came to dread Sunday nights when I would write.

So I stopped writing. And I stopped listening to shows. But I still kept auditioning and seeking the high that comes with being cast. But each rejection - and that was all I got - seemed to echo what I’d been fearing since I was a freshman “You’re an observer, not a participant.”

But I refuse to believe that and I’m far enough from my latest rejection to still feel inclined to try. But here’s what I’ve more recently learned (with accompanying Spongebob GIFs) from the past year of rejections - trust this list as I wrote it while crying about not getting cast - so this is as real as it gets.:

Cry - If you’re not a crier, that’s fine. Just let yourself feel bad for a little bit.
Talk to someone - I like talking to my husband as he is not a theatre person so he helps me stay grounded and away from any major emotional spirals.
Cry more - If you need to. Sometimes the biggest gut punch comes a week or so late when your friends start posting pictures of their scripts/cast meetings/new best friends. Be prepared and repeat the first few steps if needed.
Eat a cookie - I recommend the Snickerdoodle from Crumbl.
Get it out - By “it” I mean the sadness/anger/humiliation you might be holding onto, but in a more productive way than just wallowing. I like to journal and sing out my emotions, but maybe try painting, exercising, punching pillows?
Pick yourself back up - Don’t mope for forever, you’ve got stuff to do.
Try again